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A. Rest assured that a bulging-at-the-seams guest list is a common wedding planning occurrence, and can be remedied somewhat painlessly. You are probably feeling so excited about sharing this joyous occasion with everyone you know that you just can't bear to leave anyone off the list. But, truth be told, most of us can't afford to invite everyone we know to our weddings, so start trimming! First, go over your list with your fiance and put each guest into category A or B. The As are the absolute must-invites, and likely include your family and closest friends. The B list is for all of those remaining. Now weed out your B list by asking yourself some questions: How close are you with this person? When was the last time you saw or spoke to this person? Would having him or her there on your wedding day really make or break your enjoyment? Based on your answers, you should be able to significantly reduce your overall list.

Other ways to consider cutting back: Leave off old high school or college friends whom you're pretty sure you'll never see again; second and third cousins whose names you can barely remember; and your parents' extras (unless, of course, your parents are footing the bill). Make your wedding adults-only (skip anyone under 18); invite single people sans guests (and seat them together so they'll mix and mingle); and don't feel obligated to invite coworkers or business associates. Lastly, don't feel pressured to invite people just because you were invited to their weddings. You may still feel bad about cutting people, but the reality is, it's one of the surest ways to save lots of money and have the wedding of your dreams.

Q. I keep reading about brides whose relatives throw a bridal shower for them. I thought this was considered inappropriate because it seemed like the relatives were soliciting gifts. Is this still the case?

A. These days, it's increasingly practical for moms, sisters, or other relatives to throw bridal showers. More brides and grooms are living in cities other than the one where they grew up, and their attendants may be in still another city. If they're having the wedding in their hometown but none of the attendants live there, it's unrealistic to expect a maid of honor in Seattle to plan a shower in Chicago without any help from the locals. So it's often Mom or Sis who can really coordinate the shower plans. Faraway bridesmaids and honor attendants are definitely pitching in but more and more, Mom is becoming party central and there's no faux pas in that. (In fact, showers thrown by relatives are pretty much the norm in some regions of the country.) And when it comes right down to it, the shower is about gifts, no matter who throws it.

Q. My friends are planning a bridal shower for me and have asked my mother and future mother-in-law for names of people they would like to have at the shower. The problem is that we are having a small wedding, and my mom says that if you invite someone to the shower you must also invite them to the wedding. Is that true?

A. It's true -- you can't expect someone to come to your shower and give you a present if you're not planning to invite them to the wedding. It would seem like they were good enough to give you a shower gift but not good enough to celebrate with you on the big day. The shower is meant to be a party for the women closest to the bride (and often her mom and the groom's mom too). All these close female friends and relatives should also be invited to the wedding.

A. If you're set on a bridal shower, perhaps your mother or another female relative can plan and host the party. (You may have heard that this is a no-no, but these days, it's no longer a faux pas for the bride's mom to throw the shower.) You might also consider a couple shower for you and your fiance -- you can invite all your male pals to that party. For your bachelorette party, why not just go out with your close girlfriend for dinner and drinks? As far as the wedding party goes, there's no rule that says the bride must have all female attendants -- or any females at all, for that matter! You can definitely choose male pals to stand up for you. If you and your groom share friends, decide between yourselves who will stand where. When you really think about it, all the attendants stand for both of you, right? Just make sure all the guys wear matching formalwear. The lesson here: You needn't follow rules that don't apply to you. When necessary, adapt them to suit your situation or just make your own.

Q. I do not get along with my fiance's sisters. Do they have to be in the wedding party?

A. No, they don't have to be. This issue -- having your intended's siblings of the opposite sex stand up for you -- really depends on the specific family. In some, it's completely expected and they'll be mortally wounded if you don't ask. In others, unless you're best friends, they would be surprised if you asked (it might be nicer for them to spend the day with their family than with your attendants). Of course, just because his family (or yours) expects the wedding to be any certain way doesn't mean it has to be that way.

If you don't currently get along well, not asking his sisters could make your relationship worse if they feel snubbed. Like it or not, they're going to be your sisters-in-law very soon. If you really don't want them as attendants because you want your sisters and close friends instead (and rightfully so, especially if you're having a small wedding party -- you can just explain it that way), have them do readings during the ceremony or stand up on your fiance's side. These days, your sex no longer defines whether you're a bride's or groom's attendant. They can wear the same dresses as the maids, dresses they choose themselves, tuxedo-inspired outfits, or even tuxedos, depending on everyone's sense of humor.

The bottom line: There's no rule that his siblings have to be in the wedding party. But leaving them out might not be a good precedent to set.

Q. I only want three bridesmaids (for 150 guests). Since both my fiance and I believe family is most important in our lives (and I don't have any siblings), I plan on asking his two sisters to be in my wedding. I've decided I would prefer to ask my cousin, with whom I've just recently rekindled ties, to be the other bridesmaid (in fact, the maid of honor!) instead of my friend of 12 years (we've drifted a little the last three years). I know my friend expected to be in the wedding. Do you think it is inappropriate to suddenly decide not to have her? Should I go ahead and have four bridesmaids just to ease through the situation? I really only wanted three.

A. You don't say why it's so important for you to have just three bridesmaids, but if you're concerned about how your friend will feel, having four attendants is the answer. If it smoothes things over, it seems like a small thing to compromise on, doesn't it? There isn't a strong case for hurting her feelings and possibly drifting further apart than you already have.

Of course, having said that, it is your choice. You need to weigh the pros and cons. Is it inappropriate not to ask her? Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you might feel if you weren't asked to be in a wedding you expected to take part in before you make your decision. Best wishes!

Q. My wedding isn't for a while, however, one of my bridesmaids betrayed my trust. When I confronted her, her attitude upset me. My fiance thinks that we should ask her to leave the wedding party. I'm torn. How does one remove a bridesmaid politely?

A. There's no polite way to take back the question, "Will you be in my wedding party?" In this case, however, it doesn't sound like she was very polite to you either! If you're reluctant to remove her from the wedding party because she is a friend you've been close to for a while -- despite what happened -- talk to her again about this issue. Let her know that it hurt you that she betrayed your trust, and her attitude when you confronted her hurt you even more. Whatever you do, don't just drop her from the wedding party without telling her. Talk to her about it and make sure you're both clear about what's going on. Good luck!

A. This is tough! Prepare for hurt feelings, because unless she feels the same way you do (that you've grown apart and it would be awkward for both of you if she was in your wedding), she's going to be upset and maybe angry. The best way to do it is to be completely honest. Maybe go out for coffee together and just tell her. Explain that it was a tough decision but you really felt like you should have the people you feel closest to at this point in your life standing up for you, and there are so many of those people (including her), that you had to leave out some very special ones. She may or may not understand, but at least you'll have put everything on the table. A rule of thumb: Don’t ignore it. In this case, honesty really is the best policy.

Q. We are having a Jewish-Catholic wedding with a priest and a rabbi. Which traditions are most easily incorporated into the ceremony? I am familiar with the traditions of a Jewish ceremony but need help with Catholic traditions, as I would like to make my future husband's family comfortable.

A. Talk to both your fiance's family and your officiants. There are plenty of parts of the Catholic mass that you can incorporate into your ceremony -- the readings, the "peace be with you" handshake. But there are others that the priest may not agree to include or may want to modify, such as communion. You'll get the most accurate information by speaking directly to the priest. And your fiance's family can fill you in on what they would like to see in the ceremony. If you feel uncomfortable broaching the subject with them, ask your fiance to talk with them about it.

A. Sounds like you've found the ideal location for your ceremony, and practically for free. Think of it this way: You are potentially saving a ton of money by not paying a site fee, so it would be appropriate to offer a generous amount, within reason. Take a look at your budget with your fiance and see how much money you have to play with. How much had you set aside initially to pay for your ceremony site? While you don't have to fork it all over, consider giving a substantial portion of that -- anywhere between $100 and $500, or more if you are willing and able. After all, it's for a good cause: To keep the garden beautiful for all future couples getting married there as well!

Q. Is a 2-1/2-year-old too young to be a flower girl? Both her parents are in the wedding party, which I believe would make it easier on her.

A. There is really no age limit because maturity levels can vary greatly from child to child. Some people tend not to incorporate children quite so young in their ceremonies because their actions can be, well, unpredictable. But others find it adds a charming touch when their precious flower girl decides to chomp on a few rose petals rather than throw them. If you're worried about how the flower girl will act at your wedding, you'd be better off choosing a child who is a few years older. If you're going to choose a toddler, though, it's always best if she can set her sights on Mom and Dad up at the altar and walk toward them. It'll definitely make things easier if her parents are both in the wedding party. You could also have her walk down the aisle holding her mom's hand during the processional, or even have her dad walk with them and meet the other groomsmen up at the altar. You may also want to make sure that when your little petal-tosser is done with her aisle walk she sits with an assigned relative (grandma and grandpa?) for the remainder of the ceremony. Just trust your instincts, and whatever you choose will be fine.

Q. I have a guest list of 50 for my destination wedding in Hawaii. With such a small guest list, there are plenty of people on my B-list that I'd still love to have -- I just need to be sure that I keep the total from going over 50. If some of my initial A-list guests decline my invitation, can I then go ahead and extend an invitation to someone else?

A. This situation isn't too tough, believe it or not, but it's still important that you handle it without hurting anyone's feelings -- after all, no one wants to know they're on your B-list. The easiest way? Before you lick even one stamp, touch base with all the key players to see what their availability is on your wedding date. You can do this by talking to people in concentric circles of importance, if you will: immediate family members first, then the friends or family you plan on asking to be your attendants, then other family, then other friends, and so on. Barring unforeseen circumstances, you'll be able to get a good idea of your attendance figures right away, which will allow you to better map out your guest list. You can still send invitations to those you would want to be there but whom you know can't attend just so that they know how you feel. You can also extend invitations to your replacements right away, without them having to know that they weren't part of your initial 50. If you find later that your response cards are pouring in with regrets, go ahead and invite some new folks -- just don't wait too long, since they'll need time to make travel arrangements.

Q. My fiance's family is driving me crazy. Ever since we announced our engagement, they've been bombarding me on all sides with demands -- from inviting third cousins to including their kids in the ceremony! They're creating so much craziness that I'm ready to give up on the whole wedding and elope. Is there any way to deal with this?

A. For better or worse, your fiance's family is part of the package. You don't want to get off on the wrong foot with your new family, so diplomacy is the name of the game. Pick your battles. Is it really worth it to be on his aunt's bad side forever, or should you just ask her son to be an usher? Unless you plan to never see her again post-wedding, the latter is probably a better option. For more petty requests, a polite (and truthful) answer is in order. When his cousin-in-law emails you to find out where her invite is, simply say, "We're very sorry, but with the cost of the wedding we just can't invite everyone." It's harsh, but what else can you really say? And when it comes to the bigger battles, don't be afraid to enlist his help. After all, he knows them better than you do, and probably knows how to defuse a fight (especially when his 'rents are really on the warpath). If you can explain the situation to him in a non-accusatory way (think, "I need your help," not "I'm ready to smack your sister"), he should be on your side and by your side -- he is your fiance, after all.

Q. This may sound kind of funny, but I am having trouble with my future MIL trying to save us too much money on the wedding! I knew even before I met my fiance what kind of wedding I wanted, and I am more than willing to pay the extra money for it! For example, my niece will be my flower girl, and I want her dress to coordinate with my tulle dress, but my MIL suggested we buy a dress cheaply from one of her relatives, even though it's satin and not what I am looking for. It's getting to the point where I can't even tell her anything about the wedding, because she will replace all my ideas with cheaper ones! I really like my fiance's mother, and I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this is getting annoying!

A. You're probably a bit conflicted -- this woman is trying to help by offering to save you money, and you're getting annoyed! But don't feel guilty. She feels like she's trying to help, but really she's hindering your wedding planning. This is typical and normal mom behavior -- not just mom-in-law behavior!

When she comes up with something you know just won't fly -- like the flower girl dress -- all you have to do is say, very politely, "Thanks, that's really nice of you, but it's not quite what I want. I'll keep looking." Of course, it would help to give in to at least one (or two) of her budget suggestions, just to keep the peace (if you constantly say no, she might get offended or feel hurt). Now's a great time to cement a good relationship with her. So if she has any suggestions about wedding stuff that's not crucial to your vision -- like she knows about this great flower market where you can get cool wildflowers for the centerpieces, or she can get favors wholesale from her office pal -- you might want to tell her, "Sure!"

Truth be told, weddings mean compromise, even if you know exactly what you want. So consider which wedding details don't have to match your dreams exactly, then hand 'em off to her. It will pay off in the long run.

Q. Without getting into extreme detail: My sister is 13 years older than I am, and we are not close. She is, let's just say, the black sheep of the family. Should I feel obligated to invite her to my wedding just because she is my sister?

A. Family matters are the toughest ones. But the bottom line is this: If inviting her is going to cause you a lot of grief on your wedding day, then don’t. On the other hand, if her presence isn't going to aversely affect you, and her not getting invited might create even more of problem, then extend an invitation. Remember, just because you invite her doesn't mean she'll come.

Though you shouldn't feel obligated, you should definitely give it some serious thought. Talk to your parents and other siblings (if any) about it and see what they think. Chances are, if you're wondering whether to invite her, you probably should. But only you can really answer that question!

Q. I would like to have an evening wedding and then a really chic reception at an art museum. Can I have a cocktail party (raw bar/hot and cold hors d'oeuvres, stationed and butlered/champagne station/ open bar with beer and wine) with a band, or do I have to serve a full dinner?

A. It's all in the timing. You can have a cocktail party reception, as long as you don't schedule it during prime dinner time, when guests (or at least guests' stomachs) will expect to be fed. Your options are early afternoon, for a light lunch or hors d'oeuvres reception -- say a 2:30 or 3 o'clock ceremony, with the reception to follow and end before the dinner hour (say 6, 6:30), or late evening, with a cocktail or dessert menu (we're talking 8:30, even 9 p.m. for the ceremony).

Though the times on your invitations should clue (most) people in that they are not getting dinner, don't just leave it at that. Include wording in your invites to make the situation absolutely clear: "Join us after the ceremony for cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, and dancing at the Art Institute...." Don't worry that some may consider it "rude" not to serve a full meal. As long as you've given them fair warning, it's your prerogative to do the reception your way, and if cocktails are better for your budget and the art museum is more important to you than chicken cordon bleu -- go for it.

A. While it is often necessary to find ways to cut costs, a cash bar is never a good choice. When you have a wedding, you're inviting people to a party, and they shouldn't have to pay for anything while they're there. Yes, it's true that when you have a bash in your apartment and invite all your pals, you say "BYOB," but it's not quite the same at a formal event. Better to try and save money on the alcohol itself -- and don't worry, there are a number of ways to do that.

Consider having a "limited" bar. Serve only soda, beer, and wine or have a champagne toast. Some couples have a signature cocktail, which cuts down on the different liquors and ingredients you'll be purchasing. Also, confirm whether you have to buy your alcohol from the place where the reception will be. You may have signed a contract that says so, but if not, it's generally much cheaper to buy your own liquor, wholesale -- you can get more for your money, and get what you want.

Q. Is it okay for the groom to wear tails if the wedding is not in the evening?

A. Not really. Tails are more of a super-ultraformal evening thing. If you like the formal look of a long jacket, however, think about a cutaway or morning coat for the groom. This is a very Victorian-looking, gray, often pinstriped coat, worn with a vest and ascot. It's very dapper, very Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral. You should be able to check out the styles available at your local formalwear store.

A. Here's our take on this, and it may not be yours: the bride and groom should get to choose their own attendants based on who they are closest to -- their sisters, best friends, cousins, even parents. If the bride's brother is not one of the groom's closest friends, the groom should not feel obligated -- or forced -- to include him. If your fiance feels strongly about this (and it sounds like he does), you should respect his wishes.

You may disagree. There are definitely families in which it's expected that all the siblings be in the wedding party. But think about it: If your brother was the one getting married, would you want to have to hang around with his bride's friends all day as a bridesmaid or with your own family on the groom's side? Have you considered having your brother stand up for you? No, he doesn't have to wear a bridesmaid's dress; he would wear the same suit or tux all the guys do. He would just stand on your side during the ceremony. It could be a perfect compromise solution. If you (or your brother) are uncomfortable with it, try talking to your groom again and tell him how much it would mean to you to have your brother stand up on his side. If it just won't work out, perhaps your brother could light candles or do a reading and contribute to the ceremony that way.

A. This is an age-old debate. Your fiance has a point -- it is gracious to allow single guests to bring a date so they won't feel awkward or left out. But your point is valid too -- if you can't afford the extra guests, it may be even worse to cut people from your guest list just because you can't let them bring a friend. Deal with this problem on a case-by-case basis. If you have unmarried friends and relatives in long-term relationships, you might want to consider inviting their partners. (Even though they're not married, they're committed.) Then, invite your more single friends and relatives without dates rather than crossing them off your guest list altogether. If anyone complains, simply explain your dilemma -- it was important that they be there, but that you couldn't afford to invite dates. Then, carefully consider where to seat them at the wedding; you may want to put them with other singles so they won't get stuck at a table of couples. Who knows, two of your guests might even make a match at your wedding!

Q. We sent out our wedding invitations two weeks ago, but my fiance and future mother-in-law keep calling with additional names. Right now, the guest list is thirty percent my family and seventy percent his! In addition, we're already over budget -- and my future mother-in-law isn't paying (or offering to pay) for anything. I'm really frustrated. What should I do?

A. You and your fiance need to have a little talk. If the invites have gone out already, the boat has sailed and they missed it! No more invitations should be mailed. As far as solving this issue peacefully, you should try to get your fiance to understand your viewpoint (which shouldn't be hard, since you're being completely reasonable). To avoid creating bad feelings between you and your future MIL, let him talk to his mother about the guest list and other issues.

Q. How do we inform guests that only adults 18 and over are invited to our reception? Is it okay to write "adult reception" on the invitations?

A. It's completely legitimate to want an adults-only reception, especially for an evening affair. And most parents of young children will jump at the chance for a night out without the kids. Even so, this is a sensitive topic, and putting "adult reception" on invites is not the answer. It seems like the easiest way to deal, but it's a little too in-your-face, so you should take a more subtle tack. First, tell your parents, wedding party, and other close relatives and friends, so they can spread the word if any guests ask them.

Second, the people whose names are on your invitations are the only people invited to the wedding (i.e., "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" means just the couple; "The Doe Family" means little Suzie can come too). Most guests will take note of this and RSVP for just themselves. Others are not so observant and will RSVP that three guests will attend, even though only two were invited. This is how you'll know if they think children (or random other people, for that matter) can come.

The next step is to call them and explain that because of "budget constraints" (always the best excuse, even if it's not true) you decided to invite only adults. If you meet with anger or exasperation -- and you might -- don't back down. It's your decision as to who's invited to the wedding. Whatever you do, don't make exceptions. Don't let Suzie tag along just to get off the phone with Jane Doe -- otherwise little Johnny's parents will notice.

This seems hard, but it's only awkward because many guests do not gracefully accept the fact that their kids aren't invited. Try to understand that some may be genuinely surprised or hurt, and be understanding, but don't give in. If it becomes a real problem with a lot of guests, look into hiring a babysitter or two to care for kids during the reception. They can have a pizza party -- way cheaper than having them at the reception, and everyone will be happy.

Q. Is it true that the people whose names are on the invitations are the ones who paid for the wedding?

A. That's usually, but not necessarily, true. The people who send out the invitation -- that means the people who are "requesting the honor of your presence" -- are generally viewed as the wedding hosts. Usually, the couple's parents are the hosts, although sometimes the couple themselves or another relative fills the role. However, a couple might be paying for the entire wedding themselves but still choose to have their invitation issued by their parents as a way of honoring them. Since parents often do pay for the wedding, especially if the couple is under 30, the people whose names are on the invitations are usually the ones who paid for it. But this should not be assumed.

A. It's absolutely appropriate to list the reception on your ceremony invite, whether or not the party will be at the same location. In your case, put the address of the reception that will directly follow the ceremony on the bottom of the ceremony invitation, like this:

Reception to follow
Chevy Chase Country Club
1843 North Milwaukee Avenue
Wheeling, Illinois

Then include a separate card for the banquet event:

Please join us for
a traditional Chinese wedding banquet
at
Hunan Square Restaurant
etc.

Q. My fiance and I are getting married in Maui and know that not all the 200 guests we would like to invite will make it. When we come back home, we are going to have a reception for everyone not able to make the trip. I've read that when getting married away and returning home to a reception, you should only send out wedding invitations to those you know can and will attend the wedding, then send out separate invitations for the reception. We both feel very strongly about sending invitations to everyone and then including (at the bottom) that a reception will be held in our honor when we return. We are afraid that if we follow etiquette, we will hurt people's feelings. Do we follow the rules or do what we feel is right?

A. Do what you feel is right. This is a perfect example of etiquette just not working for a couple, so there's no reason to follow it. As far as only sending invites to people you know can make it: How do you really know who will be able to make it? People may surprise you: A trip to Hawaii is a pretty nice vacation, so it may make attending your wedding that much more attractive. (Of course, just being at your wedding will be reason enough!) Send the invites out early -- say, three months before instead of eight weeks -- so that people can make travel arrangements. Letting people know on the invites that you'll have a reception when you get home is also a great plan, so they'll know that they will have the chance to celebrate with you if they can't come. But they will definitely appreciate being invited to Hawaii, whether they can make it or not. Go with your gut on this one and break the rules.

Q. My parents have been divorced since I was quite young. While my stepfather has been a supportive and loving parent, my dad has always been a major part of my life. My problem is that I don't know which of them to choose for my father-daughter dance. I don't want to hurt my stepfather by dancing with my dad, and I don't want to hurt my dad by not doing it at all.

A. You're lucky to have two great dads and you should dance with both of them. Have the first with your birth father and the second with your stepfather. If you feel like two songs is too long, switch halfway through. No doubt both your father and stepfather will be touched by your decision.

Q. My father was going to give me away, but now he won't do it because he thinks it's a sexist tradition. What should I do?

A. It all depends on how important it is to you to have your dad in the procession. If you really don't want to walk down the aisle alone, there's nothing wrong with telling your father that if you don't think it's sexist for him to walk you down the aisle, you don't understand why he does -- and thus try to coax him into his traditional role. Remind him that if he's worried about offending you, he needn't be. Remember, in this day and age your wedding can be as traditional or nontraditional as you like. There are several options for today's bride and groom as to how and with whom they walk down the aisle:

• The bride can give herself away, walking alone.
  
• The bride's mother can give her away (she did give birth to her, after all).
  
• Both of the bride's parents can walk behind her down the aisle, giving her away together.
  
• The bride and groom can proceed down the aisle together, partners before -- as well as after -- their marriage

The most important thing is that you choose something you can live with, because the walk down the aisle is a pretty solemn and significant moment. It just might be the part of the wedding you remember best.

Q. Who should I seat next to whom at the head table? Is it boy/girl, or all the bridesmaids on one side and all the groomsmen on the other? Do I include the flower girl and ring bearer?

A. Traditionally, the head table is seated boy/girl, starting with the best man next to the bride and the maid of honor next to the groom. But you don't have to do it that way -- you could seat women on the bride's side and men on the groom's, or let everyone sit where they want. Unless their parents are in the wedding party, young children in the wedding usually sit with their parents at another table (young being the operative word).

Q. Where do the children who are in the wedding party sit at the reception? Should it be with the bridal party, or with their parents? What if one of their parents is in the wedding party?

A. Kids (even the flower girl and ring bearer) generally sit with their parents rather than at the head table. If just one of the child's parents is in the wedding party, then that whole family can be seated at the head table (if the plan can accommodate the extras). In many cases, however, the to-be-weds choose to seat the family elsewhere (like with their friends or other family members), even if the mother is a bridesmaid or the father is a groomsman. Basically, do whatever you think will make the kids (and their parents and you, for that matter) feel most comfortable -- and if you're not sure what that is, just ask them!

Q. My fiance and I recently registered at two department stores, and we're having a bit of a problem when it comes to letting guests know where we're registered. I'm not having a bridal shower, and I'm definitely not going to send registry cards in the invitations, so my question is: How do we let people know?

A. The only way to let people know is to tell them. It may seem impractical and frustrating -- to wait for people to ask -- but there it is. Just make sure your parents, wedding party, and other close friends and family know where you're registered, so that when people ask them they can let them know. People know to ask someone when they're ready to buy you a present. And remember that if people ask you where you're registered -- or even what you would like as a gift -- it's okay for you to tell them the names of the stores. It's not as if word can be spread only by those close for you. By and large, you shouldn't worry about it too much. People will ask and let others know.

Q. Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner? My fiance says family, everyone in the wedding, and all the out-of-town guests. I personally don’t want to include all the out-of-towners.

A. The rehearsal dinner guest list can include just the two of you, your immediate families, the wedding party, and the officiant and his spouse. Or, it can be a larger event, including all the out-of-town guests (or at least all those who will have already arrived in town for the wedding). It's up to you, but the reason many couples do include out-of-towners (especially when the rehearsal dinner is the night before) is so they're not left stranded in their hotel rooms. It's all about being a good hostess. However, it's your prerogative to want an intimate party (for budgetary reasons or just as a matter of opinion). If you know the out-of-towners will be fine entertaining themselves, don't worry about it. Or, ask another relative or friend to host a cocktail party for the out-of-town guests that evening. Another option is to have your rehearsal dinner two nights before the wedding, and hang out with your out-of-towners the night before.

Q. I have very calmly agreed to invite my fiance's ex to our wedding. When she received the bridal shower invitation, her response was somewhat insane -- she called my husband-to-be and asked him if I was "mocking her." Then she did not respond with "regrets only," and my bridal party paid for a dinner for her when we knew full well she wouldn't show up. The question is: Must the wedding invitation be sent? I want to take her name off the list altogether.

A. First of all, it is definitely impressive that you agreed to invite your fiance's ex to the wedding. Many couples who are on good terms with exes -- where there is no remaining relationship "tension" -- decide against inviting them because it might be too weird for everyone involved. Nevertheless, inviting this woman to your shower might have been a bad idea -- you certainly weren't meaning to mock her, but since bridal-shower guests are generally your closest female friends and relatives, it's easy to see how she felt she'd be very uncomfortable at such a gathering. However, the fact that she called your fiance to complain calls into question what her feelings really are for him -- if she felt "mocked," does that mean she feels animosity toward you because you got the guy? Her response may imply that she's not really over her relationship with him, which brings up the issue of whether it's a good idea to invite her to the wedding.

You and your fiance should sit down and discuss this. Why was it so important to him to invite this woman in the first place? Is she important to him (which isn't categorically bad as long as they're both okay with their relationship being over), did he think she'd get angry if she wasn't invited, or what? Technically, shower guests are invited to the wedding (and no one invited to the shower should be left off the wedding guest list), but this is a unique case, and if it's going to upset everyone (including her) further to invite her, it might be best not to go there. Think about it: Is this situation giving you unnecessary stress? It really shouldn't be -- this ex is no longer a part of your fiance's life, at least not in the way you are. You're marrying him. Keep that in mind when you decide.

Q. We're getting married in July and this will be the second marriage for both of us. When I mentioned invitations to my mother, she was appalled that I was even considering them. She said that you don't send invitations when you remarry -- that it's the same as asking for a gift. Is this true? I don't care about gifts -- I just want everyone to know I've found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with!

A. How will people know to come to your wedding if you don't send an invitation? It's true that second weddings are often less formal -- perhaps you won't choose ecru paper with engraved script, for instance. But you'll still want to send nice, official invitations to your guests. Also know that an invite itself is not a hint that you want a gift! If you feel strongly about guests not buying presents, feel free to include the words, "Your presence is your present" or something to that effect on your invite.

Q. We had a small wedding and didn't invite many people. I didn't send invitations to people I knew wouldn't make the trip because I didn't want them to feel obligated to send a gift. My friend's mother made a comment to her about not receiving an invitation. She sent us a gift, and I was embarrassed, so I kept procrastinating on sending a thank-you note. Now it's two years later and I still haven't sent one! How do I go about sending a thank-you now?

A. You have to just bite the bullet and send it! After a certain point it seems like it would be mortifying to finally thank someone for a gift -- as in, it's been so long that it'll look worse to send one now than to not send one at all -- but rest assured, it's never too late to be gracious. If you feel you must explain the situation -- that you had a very small wedding and didn't want people to think you expected a gift if you sent them a long-distance invite, and you hope your friend's mom wasn't offended -- go ahead and do so. In cases like this, honesty is always the best policy. If you feel the need to say time has completely gotten away from you and you feel horrible that it has been so long, say that too. Your friend's mom will surely appreciate your candidness, and, more important, she'll appreciate your thank you, no matter how long overdue.

Q. For wedding favors, I chose silver picture frames that will also hold guest place cards. The problem is that a friend of mine whose wedding is three months before ours is doing the same thing! She has been somewhat competitive about our weddings, and we have invited several of the same guests. Should I keep the frames or select new favors?

A. Well, this is really up to you. Silver picture frames are very traditional favors, so it's not the worst thing in the world for you both to give them. But if you think it won't be worth the flak you might get from your friend (who should be obsessing about more important things!), then go ahead and give something else. If you've already purchased the frames, though, go ahead and use them. Guests who attend both weddings won't be miffed -- everyone likes picture frames!

Q.We're not very far into planning (we've only booked the basics), and I'm afraid we're already way over budget. We don't have a lot of leeway when it comes to money -- how can we cut costs?

A. When it comes to your ceremony site fee, reception site rental, gown, and even most of your vendors, you're dealing with a fixed cost -- after all, a deal's a deal once you've signed on the dotted line. Unless you're prepared to have truly minimalist decorations, the only way you can really cut costs is to cut your guest list. How does that make such a big difference? Think of it this way: If you've got tables with ten guests each, even if the linens, table, chairs, and ten place settings are included in your reception site cost, you've still got (for example) one $150 centerpiece and ten $50 meal to serve (plus approximately $15 worth of drinks per person). With those numbers, just ten guests will cost you $800! Hence, cut just one table full of guests from your list, save $800. It's a bigger dent than you'll make going wild with the DIY decor -- plus it'll save you a lot of prewedding stress.

Q. My fiance is no help at all when it comes to planning our wedding. When do I need to include him and when should I draw the line? I don't want to burn him out on everything before our big day, but no one else will lend a hand.

A. It can be frustrating when your fiance isn't as interested in and excited about planning the wedding as you are -- you may be feeling disappointed, because as you say, it's your wedding, with "your" in the plural! You don't mention how he's being unhelpful -- does he just not care what color the flowers are, or what kind of food you serve? He may just truly feel that his work is done (he asked you to marry him!) and now all he needs to do is just show up. Let him know that you'd really like more from him than that. If he knows that it's hurting your feelings that he's pretty uninterested in the planning, he may be willing to at least humor you. Tell him you're feeling alone, because there's no one else to help you, and it's really something you'd like to share with him. Is there any wedding-planning task you think he would enjoy? Does he love music, and so might be interested in finding a great band? Or choosing the microbrews for the reception? You may or may not feel comfortable with giving him total responsibility for these things if he really seems uninterested, but try and convince him that you two can do them together. You shouldn't feel alone during your wedding planning, and he probably doesn't mean to make you feel that way, either -- so talk to him about it!

Q. Is it rude to suggest monetary gifts? We already have a blender (and pretty much everything else!).

A. Well, you should never ask for specific gifts, monetary or otherwise. What you can do is let them know (if they ask) that you would prefer cash gifts. Let your parents, siblings, wedding party, and close friends know too -- and if guests ask them, have them relay your preference. But don't announce it in a formal way to your guests (whatever you do, don't mention it on the invitation!). If guests are curious, they'll ask someone close to you what you would types of gifts your would like to receive. Still, some guests will want to buy you material gifts -- so it's a good idea to register somewhere for a few items. And of course, be sure to accept and acknowledge every gift gracefully (that means send out thank-you notes). As for monetary gifts, let the giver know how you intend to spend their gift in a thank-you card.

Q. My mother says that when I moved in with my fiance I relinquished the right to wear white on my wedding day. Is this true?

A. In a word, no! It's not true. You're living in the era of Bridget Jones, not Hester Prynne. Once a symbol of celebration and affluence (since only a woman of means could afford to wear an easily soiled dress just once), the color white now symbolizes purity (read: virginity). That said, the majority of women these days wear white at their weddings regardless of the nature of their relationships. If you're "living in sin" (as the conservatives like to say) and want to wear white, do it. Tell your mom that you've decided to recast the color's symbolic message to one of new beginnings: Your new life begins on your wedding day, and you begin that life with a clean slate. The key is to follow your heart and do what feels right to you.

Q. We are several months into planning our wedding, but my future in-laws have not yet offered to contribute, financially or otherwise. I asked my fiance to speak with them, but he seems very reluctant to do so. Should I assume they do not wish to contribute, or should I speak with them myself? I really don't want to offend them, but we do need to know!

A. Of course you don't want to offend them, and you've hit on the most important factor here -- how you interact with your new in-laws while planning your wedding can set the stage for how you'll get along once you're married, so it makes sense to be careful and sensitive. Still, you shouldn't assume that they don't want to contribute at all -- leaving them out by default risks offending them, too.

The first thing to do is talk to your fiance. Your instinct was right -- it's always best for the person whose parents you're dealing with to talk to them first, alone. Why? Because that's the most comfortable way to discuss a touchy subject. If you're there -- or if the subject is raised solely by you -- his parents may not feel free to say what they really think.

Find out why your fiance seems reluctant to speak to them -- maybe he's nervous because he knows they're not able to contribute financially. In that case, maybe they can help with wedding planning in other ways, such as making phone calls to get prices, helping you shop, or reserving a block of hotel rooms for out-of-towners. Your fiance might also be afraid of his parents' reactions if he asks them for money. Maybe they aren't aware of their role or feel strange asking about it.

If so, you two need to brainstorm a good way to broach the subject. One way would be to let them know about the "traditional" contributions (financial and otherwise) of the groom's family. Either way, the two of you should be able to whip up a plan to draw them out and get a definitive answer. And who knows, even though you find your current situation not so hot, you might be pleasantly surprised in the end.

Q. My parents are paying for everything in our wedding. We have no other family, and only a few friends of mine from work will be invited. My parents have agreed to host 100 guests at a seated-dinner reception with an open bar at a very nice hotel. However, both my fiance and his parents are having a fit because they want to invite more guests than that. I feel this is very unfair and I wonder how this can be resolved. My fiance will not accept limitations!

A. Clearly you're right, and your groom and his parents are being unreasonable (and a bit ungrateful). But how to handle it without causing a major blowout? This is your future husband and in-laws, after all. You need to confront them calmly about this. Simply explain the facts: Your parents have volunteered to foot the bill for 100 guests, a majority of whom will not be people they know. You can't ask them for any more than they are already giving -- nor should you. If your fiance and his family want to invite more guests, tell them they're more than welcome to do so, as long as they are also willing to contribute the money to cover those guests for the reception. End of story. It's difficult to can't imagine what kind of rational argument they could make against that. The key is that if you're calm and rational, they will feel silly not being calm and rational about the situation. It's all in the way you present it.


Official confrontation aside, it sounds like you need to have a good talk with your man too. Find out why he doesn't understand that your parents are generous people but don't have bottomless pockets. This misunderstanding could be a sign of very different attitudes toward money matters -- which isn't the end of the world, but it's definitely an issue that will come up in your marriage. The sooner you can resolve this stuff between the two of you, the better off you'll be. Good luck!

A. In days of yore (okay, as recently as the 1980s), the rules about who pays for what were much more strict. The bride's family footed the bill for the invitations, announcements, wedding consultant, gown and accoutrements, reception (including site, food, flowers, photographs, videographer, and music), and transportation for the wedding party. The groom's family paid for the marriage license, officiant, bride's bouquet, boutonnieres, rehearsal dinner, and honeymoon. Today, the division of financial duties is far more fluid. Maybe one side feels strongly about the flowers, while the other side feels strongly about the band -- so go ahead and split it up that way. See what's on your agenda, then find ways to make it even. Feel free to come up with a game plan that works for you!

Q. We've got more friends and family that we'd like to honor than we could possibly have as attendants -- half the wedding would be standing at the front of the church! What other special roles can we give to friends and family who we can't include in the wedding party?

A. It sounds like you might not be able to make every last person part of your ceremony, but rest assured, there are plenty of other ceremony roles you can give to those who aren't bridesmaids or groomsmen. Ushers (and usherettes) are obvious options, as is asking people to man the guest book or gift table. Other ways to get loved ones into the ceremony? If you're having candelabrum, you can ask friends to be candle lighters -- just before the ceremony begins (when guests are seated and music is playing), they ceremonially light the candles using long matches. If you are having a Catholic or Episcopalian ceremony, ask honored friends to carry the gifts to the altar. Similarly, a friend can act as the glass bearer (carrying up the glass that will be shattered at the ceremony's conclusion) or hold the poles of the huppah during a Jewish ceremony. For special family members you would like to include in the processional, ask them to escort your grandparents or other more elderly relatives down the aisle. Lastly, you might ask an honored friend or relative to be the witness to your signing of your marriage license or your ketubah.

Q. Should we tip our vendors? My fiance says that it seems crazy since we're already paying so much for their services, but at the same time, I know they're working really hard and I don't want us to seem impolite.

A. Tipping isn't mandatory -- a tip is an added reward for service well done. That said, unless one of your vendors really botches something, they’ll probably expect at least a small amount of gratuity. Before you start forking over the dough, be sure you check with your reception site to see whether they have any policies regarding tips (same goes for your limo or other transportation). If, for example, they already have a gratuity or service charge built into your fee, you shouldn't feel compelled to add anything onto that. Otherwise, you should probably plan on tipping your hair and makeup pros (15-20%, just like at the salon); delivery people (about $5-$10 each); parking, coat check, or restroom attendants ($1 per car or per guest), waitstaff ($20 per staff member, plus more for the manager and/or headwaiter); and bartenders ($20 for each). As for your officiant, you should expect to tip a nondenominational officiant between $50-$100. Or, if you're an active member, plan to donate $500 or more to your officiant's church, synagogue, or temple. The good news: Your bridal salon, cake baker, stationer, and party rental company will not be expecting tips. To make it easier, designate someone (a bridesmaid, groomsman, or family member) to be in charge of tipping. Set aside a predetermined amount for each vendor, and place tips in sealed, labeled envelopes (you can even include a little note as well). That way, you won't have to worry about counting out cash when you should be dashing off to your honeymoon destination.

A. This depends on what is important to you. For most couples, wedding photographs are a hugely important part of the day. But if you just aren't that excited about having a wedding album or if you won't be disappointed with merely a few good shots, you might consider this option. If you find a truly talented student, or you've always admired your cousin's skill as a shutterbug, you can take a chance. Just keep in mind that if the photographer doesn't have wedding experience, you are not likely to get great results, and it might not be worth the savings. You are probably better off trying to find a pro with wedding experience who will work for just a couple of hours, to shoot just the ceremony for example.